The Afterlife of Birds Read online

  THE

  AFTERLIFE

  OF

  BIRDS

  ELIZABETH PHILIPS

  a novel

  © ELIZABETH PHILIPS 2015

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical — including photocopying, recording, taping, or through the use of information storage and retrieval systems — without prior written permission of the publisher or, in the case of photocopying or other reprographic copying, a licence from the Canadian Copyright Licensing Agency (Access Copyright), One Yonge Street, Suite 800, Toronto, on, Canada, M5E IE5.

  Freehand Books gratefully acknowledges the support of the Canada Council for the Arts for its publishing program. ¶ Freehand Books, an imprint of Broadview Press Inc., acknowledges the financial support for its publishing program provided by the Government of Canada through the Canada Book Fund.

  Freehand Books

  515 – 815 1st Street sw Calgary, Alberta T2P 1N3

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  Book orders: LitDistCo

  100 Armstrong Avenue Georgetown, Ontario L7G 5S4

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  Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

  Philips, Elizabeth, author

  The afterlife of birds / Elizabeth Philips.

  Issued in print and electronic formats.

  ISBN 978-1-55481-265-3 (paperback).

  ISBN 978-1-4604-0527-7 (epub).

  ISBN 978-1-77048-568-6 (pdf)

  I. Title.

  PS8581.H545A67 2015 C813’.54 C2015-903661-5 C2015-903662-3

  Edited by Barbara Scott

  Book design by Natalie Olsen, Kisscut Design

  Author photo by Doris Wall Larson

  Printed on FSC® recycled paper and bound in Canada by Friesens

  Every effort has been made to trace copyright holders and to obtain their permission for the use of copyright material. The author and publisher apologize for any errors or omissions and would be grateful if notified of any corrections that should be incorporated in future reprints or editions of this book.

  for my mother and father

  What are you saying? That you want eternal life?

  The Wild Iris

  LOUISE GLÜCK

  Contents

  January

  One

  Two

  Three

  Four

  Five

  Six

  Seven

  Eight

  Nine

  Ten

  Eleven

  Twelve

  Thirteen

  Fourteen

  Fifteen

  March

  Sixteen

  June

  Seventeen

  Eighteen

  Nineteen

  Twenty

  Twenty-One

  Twenty-Two

  Twenty-Three

  Twenty-Four

  Twenty-Five

  September

  Twenty-Six

  Twenty-Seven

  Twenty-Eight

  Twenty-Nine

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  JANUARY

  One

  IT OCCURS TO HENRY THAT the term “boner” is pure Homo sapiens bravado. Unless you’re talking about a mink or a wolf or a walrus, or any other male mammal lucky enough to possess a slip of calcium rebar, then the word doesn’t really apply. He imagines scientific articles have been written about this missing link and amuses himself dreaming up possible titles: The Empty Sheath, or Wither Our Sword? He’s looking at an example now in the Bone Cellar™ catalogue. “Large Raccoon, 13 cm.” It’s very white and resembles a crochet hook, and it’s listed along with a dozen other penis bones, in the same section as bear claws and eagle feet, under the heading “Tools.”

  Henry’s never ordered a bone of any kind from a catalogue because he’s a purist: it’s cheating to get your bones through the mail. (Or worse, to buy them on eBay.) This hasn’t prevented him from spending hours flipping through the pages, admiring the skulls, fossils, claws, quills, casts of tracks, and whole, articulated skeletons on offer. For twenty-five bucks, you can buy a marten skull. For three grand, a complete chimp skeleton.

  Five of Henry’s best skulls, including a black bear skull, are on display on top of the eccentrically low kitchen cupboards in his apartment, which is on the first floor of an old house. The elk and moose skulls, with their towering racks, are on a battered sideboard. The impression you get when you come through the back door is of fixed stares, and antlers on alert like wintry antennae. Right now, there are also bird bones on the long kitchen table — the partially articulated skeleton of a crow, with the rest of its bones arranged beside it on a black cloth. He looks over at the bird from time to time, debating whether to work on the neck or the tail next, as he studies all the bones he isn’t going to buy.

  The biggest of the penis bones for sale — though of course the catalogue uses the less inflammatory term, baculum — is a huge walrus bone that looks like a tusk and has actually been broken at some point and then healed. Ouch. How do you mend a broken dick? Henry laughs a short laugh, an acrid bark of relief after a day that he’d be happy not to think about again, littered as it was with air filters, clutch kits, brake pad sensors, fan belts, oily rags, surly mechanics, and customers who thought Ed’s cut-rate deal on a wheel alignment should cost even less.

  The day has been a dull day but it did have an interesting beginning. He awoke in the utter dark of a winter morning in the first week of January on the prairies, his bed like a cold dry lightless well with him at the bottom, curled up on his side and none too warm because he’d thrown the duvet off in the night. He was thirsty, and the words baculum, bacula cycled in his head. All he could remember of the dream he’d been having was a soft tangle of cloth — a bright, arterial red — lying in the grass. The cloth in his hands a surprise because it looked silky but was actually coarse, like wool. He shook it and a path unfurled at his feet. When he opened his eyes, thinking baculum, bacula, he had a feeling of anticipation, of urgency, as if he were about to discover something essential, the missing piece of a puzzle he’s been trying, and failing, to solve.

  He puts the catalogue down and goes into the bedroom, where he strips off his work shirt, sits down on the bed, and lies back, hoping to catch a trace of his dream, but nothing’s left except a grainy fragment that dissolves into the off-white of the featureless ceiling. He stands, peels off his work pants, and lies down again. In the kitchen, the fridge shudders. The furnace kicks on, exhaling a gust of heat, ruffling the pages of a book he’s left on the floor just outside the bedroom. What book is it? That one he just bought, full of wonderful botanical drawings but also descriptions of potions made from bark, concoctions brewed from pine needles. He thinks of the resin-sweet pine woods back home. When he was a boy, on one of his many solitary bone-finding expeditions during the summer holidays, he found coyote bones scattered beneath a Jack pine — an entire skeleton. A nice summer project, getting to know those bones, except for the one he couldn’t identify: such a slim, flattened, free-floating thing. In the only illustration of a coyote skeleton he could find at their small town library, there was no bone like it. It took him a long time, a year at least, to figure it out.

  Now his own boneless but ever-hopeful tool is nudging at his Y-fronts. How long has it been since Amy, his most recent and only live-in girlfriend, left one morning after only three months of cohabitation? Six months, it must be, though it feels longer. He doesn’t miss her as acutely now, not like
he did in the days after she left him.

  Henry pulls on a pair of jeans, gets a clean shirt from his closet, and buttons it up while gazing out the bedroom window at the dark of early evening. That velvety, almost-black, midwinter blue.

  Sometimes the girlfriend you’ve been longing to have, and finally do have, discovers a recently expired crow for you in the very woods you ran in as a boy. She finds the bird and then, a week or so later, flees your apartment in disgust because of the process the bird must undergo to surrender its bones. In no time, you’re left alone with a partially reassembled crow skeleton, the row of skulls she found so objectionable, and a half-empty closet.

  The first time Henry saw Amy she was at a house party, hemmed in by his brother, Dan, and Dan’s girlfriend, Rae. Rae, who is tall and gangly in a sort of graceful way, was trying to teach Dan to jitterbug, and they were flying in larger and larger circles around the crowded living room. They were both laughing, and their laughter made their dance moves even more erratic. Amy, cheeks flushed pink, stood with her back pressed against a bookcase. She was wearing a frilly orange dress and clutching a tall, luridly green drink, and half-hiding behind her veil of long dark hair. She looked, he thought, like some slender, exotic bird.

  When Dan almost knocked Amy’s drink out of her hand with his flailing forearm, Henry went over to talk to her, only it was impossible to talk because the music was so loud. He was about to give up and leave the party altogether when the music changed from swing to something Latin. Amy knocked back her drink, shouted “I love this song” in his ear, and they were dancing. Or at least Amy was, her hips like an almost out-of-control pulse. Her wrists, her bare arms, her breasts beneath the orange dress, her knees and bare feet, were moving fast, rhythmically, and yet somehow her body was taking its own sweet time. Her hips rocking so slowly that Henry could almost feel the rippling of satin over moist skin. Although he wasn’t touching her — he didn’t really touch her until the next day.

  That was nearly a year ago now. Dan, who occasionally likes to give him what passes for fatherly advice, thinks Henry should take up a sport, mixed tennis doubles maybe, as a way of meeting women, or, even better, Henry should come running with him. Get fit, and the women will materialize, that’s his theory. Dan does a poor job of hiding his belief that Henry is lazy, but that isn’t it, Henry thinks as he opens the fridge and peers in. When he’s down by the river, he sees runners grinding along, eyes unfocused, faces grim and bathed in sweat, and he doesn’t want to join them. He doesn’t want to enter a race that will go on and on for years, and which, as far as he can see, is unwinnable.

  He imagines his brother in a crowd of runners elbowing one another as they hurtle toward a cliff edge, actually competing to be the first to leap into empty space, like lemmings. Whenever Dan missed going to the gym, if he skipped his run, which he doesn’t do much anymore, but when he did, he got cranky. All because he was falling behind. Just by failing to go to the gym on that one day. The idea is to increase, to keep increasing, your fitness level, until — well, that’s the hitch. Until what? Until you achieve lift-off?

  Girls have flocked to Dan since his high school years. When Henry was eleven and Dan fifteen, the guy with scabby elbows, bad farts, and oniony breath — but always fun to be around, jokey, full of an itchy energy — that guy suddenly had an artfully gelled mop of red-gold curls, a square jaw, and a sly smile that hinted he knew something that Henry — that most guys — didn’t.

  Henry isn’t going to buy a gym membership or take up a racquet sport. After he makes himself a sandwich, he’ll get to work on Amy’s crow. He’s going to forget for an hour or two that the woman he sees most often is eighty-one and isn’t even his grandmother, that his days are spent at Ed’s Garage running interference between crabby mechanics and crabbier customers while ordering parts, checking stock, and discussing the finer points of motor repair with Ed, though he, Henry, would be happy never to hear the words hydraulic booster unit ever again. Tomorrow morning, before work, he’s going to go for his usual non-aerobic walk along the frozen river. He’ll stand at the edge of the ice, watching a pair of sleek goldeneyes swimming in a crack of open water, their black-and-white wings glistening wetly, and the cold wind will drive every thought clean out of his head.

  He lays thick wedges of cheddar between two slices of buttered bread and flips the sandwich into the cast iron pan he has heating up on the stove. He could work on the crow’s tail this evening — as long as he didn’t lose a vertebra when he knocked a couple off the table the other night.

  He tips the not-quite-black sandwich onto a plate with a few of his mother’s dill pickles, sits down opposite the bird, and opens the catalogue to the snake page, skimming past the skeletons labeled “replica” and lingering over those that are “natural bone.” A beautiful specimen is identified as Dinodon rufozonatum. Rufozonatum for “red-banded.” Look at all those very flexible rib bones; there must be a couple hundred of them. Imagine upending them onto the floor — it’d take hours to get them back into the correct order.

  Henry has never found a snake’s skeleton. The garter snakes that swim occasionally through his mother’s garden, or appear on a certain stretch of south-facing riverbank here in the city, are shy, elusive. They vanish almost as soon as he glimpses their yellow and green slither through the grass. Once or twice, when he was a kid, he caught one and pedalled his hands so the snake thought it was getting away — and he was thrilled by the flow of cool dry scales over his palms.

  The only time he’d really had a chance to study a snake, it was wounded, an angry red scrape on its back as if a hawk had tried to snag it. For several days he watched it sunning itself by the pea vines at the northern edge of his mother’s large vegetable garden, and he worried about it when he went to bed at night. How old had he been? Seven or eight? He borrowed a tube of ointment from the medicine cabinet and attempted to sneak up on the snake and squeeze a worm of translucent gel onto its oozing red sore — but the poor thing flailed its injured body away from him, and he could see that he might be torturing it by forcing it to flee. His mother, noticing he was once again by the pea vines, got him to pick her a pail and shell them.

  The next day his mother sent Dan out to mow the lawn, and a little later Henry went out to hunt for the snake. After he spent a few moments searching under the pea vines, he noticed they’d been nicked during one of Dan’s passes with the mower. He hurried over to where Dan was working, on the other side of the house, and tapped his sweaty shoulder.

  “What?” Dan shouted, scowling. He hated mowing the grass.

  “Have you seen a snake, about this big?” Henry held his hands about a foot apart.

  “No,” Dan roared, turned his back, and resumed pushing the heavy machine up the incline toward the house, leaving Henry in a miasma of gas fumes and cut grass. He went back to his search, and when he spotted a yellow slash a few feet away on the mown lawn, he crept over to it, his heart thudding in relief. But what he’d found was a half-snake — the head-half: the rest of it was gone.

  Dan had run it over with the mower.

  Later, at dinner, he let his mother convince him that Dan hadn’t seen it. And Dan certainly didn’t look like he felt guilty, or even mildly concerned. He looked amused, and it’s possible he wasn’t even really listening. He was probably thinking about what he was going to do with the money his mother had given him for cutting the grass.

  Henry wipes his fingers on a paper towel and finds the tools page again. Claws, talons, teeth. And bacula. Which rhymes with Dracula. Such a funny word. Bears have them; chimps have them, but not elephants, hyenas, or horses — not stallions. And not men. Some of the penis bones, like the raccoon’s, are cheap: three bucks. The wolverine’s is twenty-five. Still very affordable, as long as Mrs. Bogdanov continues to overpay him, so that, as she says, he will come to clean the walks immediately after the snow falls and not days later. Her supplement to the lousy wages Ed gives him at the garage helps him pay for his once- o
r twice-weekly meals out with Dan, and the odd book he might not buy otherwise.

  The real question is, if he were to violate his no bone-shopping rule, just this once, which penis bone would he choose? Maybe he should order two or three from different species. He could have a bacula display on the wall in his bedroom and pretty much guarantee that he’d never get laid again. Unless he tells any woman confronted by them that they’re the rib bones of some rare African beast. He skips over the difficult part — how the woman comes to be in his bedroom, the making of small talk, his hand reaching across the gulf between the male and female body.

  As Henry scoops ice cream into a bowl, he decides that he will order a natural boner for himself, and he’ll get one for Dan, too, as a joke. Dan doesn’t know, likely, that such a thing exists. A penis bone is the only bone that Henry can imagine getting his brother’s attention, other than something sexily macabre, like a real human skull (also available, bizarrely, on eBay).

  The sight of a penis bone might freak out Rae, or it might amuse her, he can’t guess which. She has a squeamish streak; she doesn’t often come to Henry’s apartment, but when she does, she doesn’t like to turn her back on Henry’s skull collection. If he came into their house waving some mammal’s boner around, would she kick him out? The idea has a certain appeal. Of course, Henry’s should be bigger than Dan’s, but if he gives Dan the mink bone, 3.5 cm, and orders the walrus, 56 cm, for himself, Dan won’t think it’s funny. But it’d be hilarious: Henry wielding his long sabre-like bone — a healed boner must be especially potent — while Dan holds the tiny mink bone between his fingers, like a cigarette.

  No, he’ll buy two penis bones of the same species and give Dan the fractionally larger one. Wolverine joysticks! That’s what they both need — a talismanic wand, courtesy of one of North America’s fiercest predators.

  He fills a glass with cold water and sets it down on the table, holds himself back for a moment, studying the crow’s skeleton from a distance. The half-reconstructed bird is like a ship’s hull, a wreck from out of the deeps, with its stave-like ribs and the keel of its breastbone. His next move will be to string the remaining vertebrae along a wire and carefully shape the spine into a natural position. If he messes that up, the finished bird will end up looking like museum-quality roadkill, like one of his first birds, years ago, a gull that appears to be drowning and trying to save itself by dogpaddling. He picks up the wishbone, the flexible V-shaped bone that acts as a spring, a strut for the wings. He and Dan have yanked on their share of these, and when Henry won, Dan always tried to goad him into revealing his wish. He’d learned to think up a fake wish, which he’d innocently offer up, to conceal his real desire.